Killing myself has been an “option” ever since I became depressed. It’s been lurking inside my head, lying dormant, waiting for me to turn the switch on and finally do it.
Since then I have been searching for the easiest, most painless way to end my pain. And by ending my pain I meant ending my life. Coz I could only picture life as a constant series of pain and suffering. It will be my final escape from my seemingly endless feeling of doom.
In my “lowest” moments, I spend the day planning about my death. It would sometimes come to a point when I’d point a knife to my gut and imagine the feeling of it breaking through my skin. Then my hands start to shake and I let go.
The day after my “lowest”, I would begin feeling a bit better. The next day, a little “more” better. And as I lived further from the day that I almost killed myself, the suicidal thoughts eventually became dormant again.
I’d start getting off the bed, go out with my friends, write an entry for this blog, hit the gym, and do all the other things I usually do.
So DON’T DO IT TODAY. Do it next week or next month. Atleast tell yourself that. This is the “white lie” that I’ve been telling myself for 2 years. And look where I am now! (Nah, I’m not rich and successful, but…) I am still alive! Coz that feeling of doom? It goes away. Not abruptly! Sometimes it takes weeks, but it leaves. Well, not completely. But it’ll be so small that you would forget about it and you’d be able to function again.
Don’t do it today! Endure that horrible feeling of hopelessness. Cry. Scream if you must! But don’t do it! Tell yourself that you’ll do it next week or next month. And when that day comes, tell yourself again that you’ll do it next time, just NOT TODAY!
Convincing yourself not to do it today by telling yourself that you’ll do it next time buys you time to allow yourself to move up from that lowest pit that you sometimes, or maybe often, fall into.
Trust me. I’ve been there… Actually, I still fall into that cursed pit sometimes.
Be patient with yourself. Coz no matter how many times you fall into that place, you will always feel better again.